See What Happens When I Doubt Myself?

So I'm beginning to wonder if I know what is best for myself. I'm unsure of whether or not the path I am on is the correct one, and whether or not I am following that path righteously or fruitlessly. There are decisions I cannot make, and forces I cannot conquer, all in the sake of changing who I am and attempting to become "better". But what is "better"? How can I define what it would mean to be a better person? I suppose that is where I become lost. I do not know what direction I am facing, and the compass of my soul is spinning out of control. My heart can not tell me what it wants, and my mind is clouded by judgments and imaginations which cease to exist.

I ponder separate possibilities, and other varied outcomes. I ask myself if it would be worth it to go through with some of these changes I have thought about. I ask myself if I could even be able to go through with the changes. Having never been exposed to an element of life magnifies that element many times its natural proportion. To never have done things at this point in my life, then suddenly be expected to do them, is certainly taxing. Uncertainty is obviously the reigning theme tonight, although that theme can change day-by-day, or hour-by-hour. My whims are fickle like that, and perhaps unfortunately so.

Challenges face me that others see as commonplace and everyday things. To overcome them I need to indulge myself within them, and experience them until they become as natural as breathing. I must take the first step, and allow the avalanche to follow. If I can simply step through the door, I will be able to roam freely, but the door carries an invisible barrier which blocks me every time I walk up to it. This barrier is keeping me from what I perhaps might want the most, but then again, perhaps I am content with what I have now, on this side of the door. I do not know what exists on the other side, whether it be happiness or sorrow, joy or pain, and I do not know if it is worth attempting to find out. If I allow myself to be content with where I am now, it is easy to not kick down the door that is blocking me, and simply live my life the way I always have.

In the end perhaps I will simply accept things as they are now, and go on with the life I lead, without ever bothering to even peek through that door. Perhaps I am fooling myself by staying committed so heavily. Embracing the difference, and welcoming unknown variety, may be exactly the panacea I need to become cured. "If you never try, you never know". Then again, if you never try, you will never risk knowing. Perhaps knowing isn't always the best solution to a problem in life. Acceptance of the equilibrium your life possesses may be the smarter alternative in a case such as mine. Then again, who am I to know? Just one of billions, born in to a world where existence and meaning are eternally pondered over.

Shall I continue to contribute to that which makes me uneasy, or simply step through the invisible barrier, fully aware of the repercussions of my actions? Am I foolish to think of it this much, to try and analyze? Is it the fool who thinks too much and does not act, or the one who acts without ever thinking? Am I the fool? Perhaps I should stop thinking, and just live. Thinking can take away the hurt associated with living, and living can take away the anticipation of thinking about life. Both provide a solace with a gaping hole of insecurity. Neither can completely console a human, and attempting to balance them can drive a person insane. Sun-Tzu once said "Opportunities are gained as they are seized", but who is to say which opportunities are the right ones, and which ones lead to suffering? Humans were not meant to know. We are the epitome of powerful creatures who attempt to give meaning and permanence to their lives, and justify it with ignorant beliefs and ideals. The truth is that no one knows. That is the only absolute truth in the world. That there is no truth.