it is the selfish desire of every sadist to see the pain and anguish their death would cause others. perhaps it an attempt to convince themselves that people care, they would love to see people emit some emotion for them. if only this emotion was present when they were alive, they might still be with us. if only we did not wait until they were gone to laugh, or cry, or at least show some emotion in their presence, instead of ignoring them. if only they could go in to the future, and see themselves lying in their coffin, with friends and family huddled around. then they'd learn that they weren't quite alone as they thought and that their death wasn't needed or necessary.

guys

they get really lonely
and lose faith in themselves.
they lose self esteem
and confidence and rationale.

they lose their heads.
tempers go flaring
and violent outbursts
thrash innocent victims.

they don't have a listener-
not a single one.
frustration ignites an inferno
that blazes down reason.

hot blood is pumped
from their heart
to their warped minds,
and the subjective reality
that they see of the world
becomes distant and bleak,
to the extent where nothing,
no one, matters.

they hurt others.
they call friends.
they get drunk.
they have sex.
they write poems.
they commit suicide.
they lose their heads.

falling in slo-mo

plummeting towards the ground
with my heart in my throat
and my hands outstretched
desperately denying their fate.

i am fully ignorant
of the events before this moment.
how i came to be here,
falling in slow motion.

just before that moment
where my hands hit the pavement,
and my radius and ulna crack in two,
i wake up in a cold sweat.

for a moment i think i'm still falling
before being called back to reality -
an alarm clock flashing 9 a.m.
and a new day to live.

i try to remember why i fell,
what subconscious part of my mind
is telling me to take a breath
and look around at my life.

like holding sand in my hands,
the memories of why i fell
slowly disappear in to nothing.
so tantalizingly close,
yet so many birthdays away.

Sitting in the car with my dad in a Burger King parking lot, I said something I wasn't supposed to. "Well," he said, "you'll think differently when I'm dead."

With my head buried in a pillow in room 506 I thought to myself, "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to die." I held my breath as long as I could, but the pain was too much.

I had just ran warm-up laps for All-Stars after eating a bowl of macaroni in the car ride over. I threw up, and Mr. Rosenberg, who sat in the bleachers, said, "Well I ate before I came, and I'm not throwing up."

I had just come out of the bathroom of J.J. Daniels middle school and the fair-skinned english boy on our team noticed my haircut, and said, "Nice dew! (doo)."

I was talking on AIM about visiting a friend. "I want to come and see you as a friend," I said. "Only as a friend?", they asked. "No, I want to take care of you."

I always called her back but something always came up.

I am proud that I don't drink, but sometimes I lie about it to fit in.

"She said she just wants to be friends," said Chris McGuire, about my first crush. Ben gave her a warhead at lunch and said it was from me.

"I bet you won't tell those guys to go sit down," said Chad's sister, talking about the three business men blocking our view of home plate. I got up and asked in a way my dad would have if he was there (Hey buddy/I appreciate it/etc.). The guy I asked would later on scratch his forehead, with only his middle finger.

"Who the hell got the controller all greasy?" Gus asked. It wasn't my fault they brought down Fritos, but I felt very guilty and victimized.

"I want to break up," I've never said.

"I love you," I've said alot.

"Will you marry me?" I'll perhaps say some day.

With my hand raised I almost was going to ask the teacher what was on the "other side" of the map of the globe. I thought maybe it was all just water.

While racing Kimani Allen on Field Day I realized I was going to lose a sprint, so halfway through I started limping and faked an injury.

One of the coolest things I learned in school was when T.K. taught me how to catch butterflies during one morning in 4th grade.

I still feel bad about kicking Mikey in the eye while playing duck, duck, goose.

When I broke my wrist and had to have a cast put on it, not a single person (or very few) signed it, because no one offered. People always asked me why no one had signed my cast.

All I've ever wanted is a close group of friends to belong with. I've only ever had this once in my life, which was over 5 years ago.

When I graduated Middle (or Elementary) School I cried. My friends made fun of all the girls who had cried later on that day, and I joined them.

I have a hard time being happy for others when it comes at the cost of me having to give something up.

I am easily bullied and buckle under peer pressure.

My name is Stephen, and the present moment is all I have.

happy valenchyaan's day

i wonder what makes this day
any different from the others?
it has become commonplace
to downgrade valentine's day.

people call it commercial,
a sham and pointless.
but any day i am given
the opportunity to love you,
is a day i cherish like my life.

i like only having one person,
to kiss, to hug, to have.
i like the specialness
that accompanies a day like this,
and a person like you.

i could exist within 1,000 ages of the past,
and travel over every inch of earth,
but i would never find someone as trusting,
understanding and open-hearted as you.

so am i going to shun the day
that gives me even more reason
to imagine a life shared with you?
i would no sooner be a single man again.

i am what i am
exposed for the world to see
my favorite color, blue
my favorite number, three

i have the same urges
and the same desires
i admire old people
and hate liars

this is me
twenty, six feet tall
shy (or cowardly)
and ready to fall...

...straight in to your arms
and be set free from worry
and doubt, and given
something to protect and love
for as long as the moon
hangs high enough,
for me to know that somewhere,
you can see it too.

i am all these things
but i'm proud of only a few,
and of those i am,
is my eternal faithfulness