It Doesn't Take A Ticking To Get Life Kicking

lying in bed last night,
i began to think to myself.
what if a bomb exploded,
in a nearby room or building?
i would most likely die...
and even though i was perfectly safe in a locked room
on a campus full of thousands,
i felt vulnerable.

then i thought,
what would i have done today,
if i knew i was going to die?
would i have said 'i love you' to more people,
and told them how much they mean to me?
would i actually take a chance,
maybe do something a little different,
and risk being better off?

Life's Ant-hologies

we sat on old, dead logs
and squashed ants with our big toes.
feet tell you lot about a person,
like how much they're willing to share,
where they've been,
and are likely to go.

our cousins hated it of course,
getting bug guts all over your toes.
but we didn't mind a bit,
since the stream was right there,
ready to clean us up
before mama called us for dinner.

their feet were stark white,
ours dulled and brown.
their nails were a shiny ivory,
ours old, bronzed plaques -
awards for living our life,
and squashing ants with our big toes.

Fingering for Flintstones

"i wanna purp dindin!"
so my finger fishes deeper,
probing the inside
like a racist airport security guard.

i read about that once,
a black woman being strip-searched
at some airport for no reason -
other than being black.

red fred, pink wilma,
and the damn bamm-bamm.
my wedding ring gets in the way,
and i wonder if they made her take that off, too.

i finally find it - the only kind he'll eat,
a small, purple dino vitamin.
we leave in a rush so he doesn't miss school,
as i wonder if she missed her flight, or dignity.

the return

the first time i arrived
i was doomed from the start.
but one must get back on the horse,
and sweep their past beneath the rug.

the time after that,
held a few seeds of promise.
and they would eventually blossom
in to the springtime of my life.

the third return is quite mixed,
with uncertainty brewing in doubt.
like an eerie calmness before a storm,
as realization halts me like a brick wall.

every summer,
i always hope i can change.
so that when i go back,
i can take a stab at happiness.

there is no surgery to transplant kindness,
or injections to implant consideration.
you cannot increase the size of your heart,
or suck out your filthy dishonesty.

you must train these attributes alone,
when no one is looking, like late at night.
not one decision - but many,
comprise that which is you.

not everyone was meant to be beautiful,
or locate true love as easy as the ground.
but when it does sweep you off your feet,
you'll know it's because of what's inside.

i never knew the friends i had
until i looked back and said goodbye.
i never got the respect i deserved,
until i was halfway out the door.

farewell to you all,
after these 3 long years.
i will probably never be back,
or see you again in my life.

the only place i can be myself,
crazy, talkative, friendly, confident.
when half of those lights go off,
my amicable dr. jekyll emerges.

no one will ever know my secret,
that you gave some of my happiest times.
you granted me some friends
that i otherwise would never have had.

crush

pressing down upon my chest,
inwards from all sides.
causing my intestines to flip
and my tongue to lick my lips.

words fly through my head,
ricocheting against my skull.
the right combination is never found,
and something stupid stumbles out.

a crushing blow hits me,
square in the middle of my brain.
i forget how to be myself
and let time wash you away.

one after the other,
the pieces fall in line.
another fruitless dream,
that will never become mine.

i watch myself crumble,
as i turn a blind eye.
i become another person,
a fake, a scam, a lie.

being myself is the easiest thing,
so why do they make it so hard?
they'll never be able to breach,
this pathetic heart i have barred.

Chess

how hard can four words be,
when they redefine your world?
you can even make it three,
if you push yourself, i'm sure.

so why the stagnancy, why the wait?
is there some magical month,
or some magical date,
that will set us free for life?

i don't want to be the devil,
whose heart no person can soothe.
but all my pieces have been played,
"Check" - it's your move.

------
Interesting little note about this poem: I rarely, if ever, use bold for emphasis. Must be something important.

i write a thousand poems a day,
in my mind - the safest of places.
its a place i know, you'll never go,
and see, and make angry faces.

such disappointment you harbor,
whenever i share my heart.
how can you be, a little ticked at me,
when i don't even know my part?

i can't read minds, i can't read you,
i can't read the fairy-tale ending.
nothing you show, you say "i don't know,"
and quietly - heartbreak your sending.

before you sigh, and roll your eyes,
just like i'm sure you always do,
i want you to know one tiny thing:
this poem is not for you.