every time

probably the hardest part of our breakup
was the fact that we lived in a small town.
it wasn't the gossip -- although there was plenty of gossip.
no, it was everywhere we'd gone together,
and the fact that every time i went some place
i was reminded in some way of you.

every time i went to the diner,
by myself, with family, or friends,
i'd glance over at our booth in the corner,
recall joking how you no-so-delicately
smothered everything in ketchup
and remember the taste of your mouth afterward.

every time i'd go to see a movie at the drive-in
all i could think of was the smell of your car,
mixed with gasoline, popcorn, and smuggled beer.
i'd get so cold sitting there in the car,
and then remember the blanket
we used to huddle under to stay warm.

our old high school is probably the worst.
it's what i drive past every day on my way to work,
and is a bitter reminder of happier days.
i constantly ask myself what i did wrong,
only to remember those words you said:
"it's not you, it's me."

was it, really?

it's always ridiculous looking back
at the heart-breakers, the what-ifs,
the could-have-beens and happily-ever-afters.

you almost laugh at the silly things
like first and last name combinations
or what you'd name your children.

at the time you're so engrossed
and often drowning in a sea
of potential love and harmony.

yet when you finally surface
it isn't despair -- but relief --
that the future is still yours.

even now

even now, i enjoy the smile
that has changed so much,
yet somehow looks the same
as the day you were born.

i still can't resist you,
even though i try.
and gone are the days
when tickling actually worked.

seeing you hurt, inside or out,
is in some ways more painful
than feeling pain myself,
or having my own heart broken.

even now, as a grown woman,
with your head in my lap
and tears on your cheeks,
i love being your father.

stomach and chest tighten
deep breathing to no avail
nerves and fanciful what-ifs
swimming around in my mind

i will them to pass, to go away
and leave me at peace again,
but anything worth having
often comes at a price.

it won't go away, none of it.
the feeling under my solar plexus,
the thoughts that belong in dreams,
the future i'll never have.