life changing events

they say that your life can change
in the blink of an eye.
i never really considered it,
until it happened to me.

as many stories start: we were in love,
going on three and a half years
with nothing but blissful uncertainty
of the future we'd share together.

i know in my heart
we were meant to be.
i was never so sure of anything
than i was my love for him.

one weekend, a friend calls,
their voice teeming with urgency,
telling me to drive over --
it had something to do with him.

the drive over was the longest of my life,
events flashed through my mind,
things that i'd never get to experience:
anniversaries, recitals, graduations.

when i finally reached the house
i bolted from the car, still running,
and nearly tore down the front door
to see him there, on his knee.

as i lean on a chain link fence
overlooking a baseball field
decrepit from disuse
it takes me back.

ten years ago, in high school,
star-gazing in centerfield
with my girlfriend,
under a blanket.

she's been gone for a while,
ever since she left for college
and landed a city job
with a family to match.

i think on simpler times,
when the entire universe
was a pair lightning bugs
circling lazily above us.

him

anxiety, curiosity, and doubt
mingle in my heart and mind,
not necessarily in that order,
on my first date since he died.

trying not to think of him
for the sake of my date,
but feeling guilty for doing so,
nonetheless.

the pain is mostly latent now,
like scar tissue, remnants
of a period of deep,
personal, despair.

i tell myself this is the first step,

to healing and getting better.

i'm hopeful for a new future,

but also regretful, all at once.