5 later

"i'm starving" she says,
on her way home from work,
5 minutes later,
i pull into the store lot.

"how was your day" i ask,
browsing the aisles for snacks
5 minutes later,
i'm checking out.

she talks for a while longer,
"i'm almost home, see you soon",
5 minutes later,
she "awws" and "that's so sweets".

we sit on the couch and enjoy
cheese, crackers, fruit,
5 minutes later
and we're officially a couple.

on a starry night in the mountains
lounging on a cabin deck.
it's 5 months later
and i have a ring in my pocket.

ringing bells married with applause
as we dodge rice and cheers
5 months later,
we're moving into our new home.

a balmy summer evening
i open the door to a surprise,
5 years later,
i help our little girl blow out the candles.

5 more and 5 more,
added, multiplied,
until i have no 5 to give,
yet she's still there, beside me.

i've contemplated it,
though there's nothing
to gain from vanishing
and never coming back.

i do it mostly to imagine
the look on your face,
the perplexity of emotion
at discovering i'm gone.

of course, i don't,
because i don't want to,
for myself, and you,
and our future together.

but i still think about it.
heading out the back door
while you're walking the dog
never to see you again.

and eat it, too

i don't know how to bring it up,
the fact that we haven't
eaten chocolate cake together
in a really long time.

it concerns me.
because i eat cake alone
sometimes -- most times
more than i eat it with them.

and there was that one time
they ate  cake without me
when i was right there, available,
ready to eat cake, too.

i'm at such a loss, truthfully,
because in the end,
i know it's my fault,
and has nothing to do about cake.

insomnia

i toss and turn,
addresses of rural
areas racing through
my mind

i'm searching for
something i missed,
a clue, a sign,
the way forward.

all i find are
circular paths
ending at
the beginning

why won't she
wake me up
why won't she
wake me up?

299.00 (F84.0)

i get angry when
i can't find my shoes
then i remember
he can't even tie his own.

money stresses me out
by never having enough
then i remember
he'll never have any to spend.

final exams nearly kill me
physics, biology, math.
then i remember
he's twenty and learning to write.

he keeps me grateful
and i'm blessed he's my brother
but i question the unfairness
of whether that is his destiny.

burning man

how comforting it is to know
my place on the cosmic scale,
a minutiae of the world, which
in turn is one of the universe.

no bigger than the spec of
stardust that exploded
and gave life to the stars
and galaxies - and me.

for if i know i am so small,
and so is the earth, sun,
milky way, galaxy cluster,
and possibly universe ...

then i am really no different
at all, just another speck
of stardust, after some fashion,
drifting through existence.

crazy love

it wasn't until i was halfway home
on that five hour drive
from her house to mine,
after i had ended it all.

it struck me suddenly
as the radio static cleared,
each mile closer to the city,
sharpening feelings and memories.

it -- it was the song i heard,
the one on the record she played
during one of our first nights together
absorbed on her living room floor.

♪ love, love, love, love
crazy love ♪

for the other two and half hours
i recalled mostly the good times
just like that one night,
when we conceived crazy love.

life changing events

they say that your life can change
in the blink of an eye.
i never really considered it,
until it happened to me.

as many stories start: we were in love,
going on three and a half years
with nothing but blissful uncertainty
of the future we'd share together.

i know in my heart
we were meant to be.
i was never so sure of anything
than i was my love for him.

one weekend, a friend calls,
their voice teeming with urgency,
telling me to drive over --
it had something to do with him.

the drive over was the longest of my life,
events flashed through my mind,
things that i'd never get to experience:
anniversaries, recitals, graduations.

when i finally reached the house
i bolted from the car, still running,
and nearly tore down the front door
to see him there, on his knee.

as i lean on a chain link fence
overlooking a baseball field
decrepit from disuse
it takes me back.

ten years ago, in high school,
star-gazing in centerfield
with my girlfriend,
under a blanket.

she's been gone for a while,
ever since she left for college
and landed a city job
with a family to match.

i think on simpler times,
when the entire universe
was a pair lightning bugs
circling lazily above us.

him

anxiety, curiosity, and doubt
mingle in my heart and mind,
not necessarily in that order,
on my first date since he died.

trying not to think of him
for the sake of my date,
but feeling guilty for doing so,
nonetheless.

the pain is mostly latent now,
like scar tissue, remnants
of a period of deep,
personal, despair.

i tell myself this is the first step,

to healing and getting better.

i'm hopeful for a new future,

but also regretful, all at once.

bliss

every other weekend or so
during the hot summer months
i pack up my car and go
to offload my worries

with my boots laced up,
Camelbak brimming to burst
and hardy resolve at the ready
i take my first step of many

starting out i reflect
on my stress, my job
all my troubles, problems
and how to fix them

sweat starts to bead and
soak through my Buff
crunch, crunch of the leaves
as my mind drifts off to static

work meetings, crunch, crunch
apologies i have to make
long overdue, crunch crunch
dwelling on my own shortcomings

it gets harder and harder
to focus on the anxiety
with each and every step
relieving more tension than the last

relationship problems. crunch. fights.
crunch. sorry. crunch. asshole.
crunch. guilt. crunch. crunch.
all while the sun beats down.

soon i am liberated
my mind at peace
crunch. crunch. crunch.
bliss.

genie haiku

love just what i have
love others for who they are
covet no excess

terminal

as i reach the 7th mile
on my afternoon hike
i drop to my knees and
think: stage one.

my vision blurs as spittle
drips from my lips onto
my shirt, just over my
rapidly beating heart.

grabbing the bandanna
from my glistening bald head
i wipe the sweat from
my flushed, blood-red face.

i contemplate screaming,
cursing at a nonexistent god
who had no plan for me
that involved growing old.


teetering on the edge of stage 2,
i reel in my rage and denial
for just a little longer,
without realizing that's all i have. 

my life before i met you
isn't hard to remember,
with its doubt, uncertainty
and overall lack of color.

happiness was fleeting, fickle
appearing upon its own whims
for just the briefest of periods
leaving me guessing if it was even there.

cold nights were just a little colder
without you there by my side
providing the love and security
for which i've always yearned.

and now, i'm afraid,
that the happiness is constant,
and my bed always warm,
i could not live without you.

to go back to life before you
would be to forsake
a slice of heaven itself,
and its perfect, beautiful joy.

the last summer

something can be said 

about a love so young

that it never had a chance

yet was all too real just the same. 

a precursor to life's unfairness,

perhaps, a final lesson before adulthood,

that things sometimes end,

but life must continue on. 

no defining point exists

upon which a love lost

ceases being what-could-have-been

and becomes what once was. 

time passes, people heal,

and bittersweet memories of

your time together are sealed

for eternity in your memory.