Good-Bye (This Is The Last Time, I Swear)

I thought that I really loved her. I really believed that I did. Every time I'd leave the house to go to work or school was always just time that I was waiting to be with her again. I was never sad because I was alone, because I knew she was there, and that she loved me. I even looked on the positive side of life for once. She didn't teach me new things or make me a better person, but she gave me hope. A hope that nothing had ever achieved before, and has never achieved since.

Maybe that love wasn't really love, but just hope. Just knowledge that maybe out there it is possible for someone to be right for me, I just have to look. Either way I was shown this possibility and mistook it as love. It isn't a very good feeling when you look back at the past two years and admit to yourself it was all a lie. You have to move on with the knowledge that you wasted so much time and energy on a fruitless effort.

I suppose then it was good for me, as it helped me get through obstacles that would have otherwise crushed me. I suppose it is like this:

I had to jump over this really big boulder in order to move on in my life. This person was like a vault who launched me up and over it. After I got over it, though, all that was left was to crash down on the other side. I can move on now, but I'm not necessarily in any better condition than I was before.

This conflict/battle/etc. is one that takes place in my head and my heart. I can get help, but ultimately there's only one person that can help me, myself (so cliche). I don't know how many times we've said good-bye thinking it was the last time, only to come running back to each other when it hurt too much.

There's a book series called 'His Dark Materials' in which people have things called daemons. If a daemon and a person walk in opposite directions, both feel extreme pain, since the daemon is symbolic of a person's soul/spirit. In a few ways I feel we shared a similar relationship. Something would happen, we'd walk away. The pain would ultimately be too much to bear, and we'd be sprung back like some kind of emotional bungee cord.

I'm not really worried about the pain this time, though. You've hurt me enough for me to be strong enough to atleast endure that much. I've learned alot, but lost alot more. I suppose it is better to lay a brick a day for your entire life, rather than lay a bunch at once and then quit. So I'm going to keep laying bricks. Right after I finish knocking the ones down that you built.