*The following is subjective material of a person who had a bad day*
I see you both. One represents my hope, and one represents my despair. Two different people, and they probably don't even know that they mean so much to me. I'm taken back to a specific night, or multiple nights. I can't be sure, although I do know that it is night time, and I'm driving. Something about the night is good at that particular moment, although I'm not sure what it is. Little did I know that disappointment awaited me at my destination.
Part of me wants to pity myself for being so lonely. Then part of me wants to blame myself for being so shy. Then part of myself wants to be angry for not changing who I am to meet people. Then a part of me wants to pity myself again for being shy. Then part of me wants to be strong, and a part of me hates that word strong. I can be strong by myself, but I might not necessarily want to. If a person doesn't know what they want, then no matter how hard they work they can't get it. I suppose that's the point I'm at right now. Something like that anyway.
It kind of hurts to see other people with friends, knowing that I don't really have any. It hurts worse to know that it is my fault that I don't have friends. I don't mean something is wrong with me - other than I just suck at making friends and meeting new people. I can see why sometimes. If I wasn't me I would probably think that someone just figured I'd rather be left alone. But someone has to tell them that that is not true. I'm kind of tired of being alone to be honest. The only few people in my life have finally stepped out, so part of me can truly say I'm alone. I'd imagine it is only a matter of time now...
Sometimes I'll look at my cell phone and give a sad smile. I smile because no one ever calls me except my family. Then again, I don't give my number out, so people won't call if they don't know it, and they won't know it if I don't talk to them. Back to the pity thing again. Part of me really wants to pity myself, and part of me refuses to. Feeling sorry for yourself won't really ever get you anywhere, even if it does feel really good to do sometimes.
Maybe something really is wrong with me. Maybe the something that's wrong with me is that I'm trying to find out what's wrong with me. I was never good at conversing with strangers, even though I preach about broadening of horizons and all that crap. If I die tomorrow, will it have mattered if I talked to those few extra people during the day? Of course not. You can understand my dilemma a little more if you understand the fact that I know that it is worth it, and I know that every opportunity should be taken to grow as a human being, and yet still let my fear overcome me. Whatever is inside of me that's causing me all these problems is really, really nasty.
Besides killing myself the alternatives that arise are to overcome this thing or submit to it. I was never one for giving up very easily, so I'll keep fighting. I'm beginning to wonder for what purpose I'm fighting though, other than to survive of course. If the only significance my life holds is survival than I don't want to continue living. I'd rather die and laugh in the face of fate. Atleast then I'd be having some fun.
1 comment:
the more you think about what you DON'T want, the more you will receive "WHAT YOU DON'T WANT."
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