Exposition of Love

What is Love?
It is fake.
What does it do?
Our hearts it does slake.

Who falls in Love?
Fools do, of course.
Because avoiding Love,
Just might be worse.

Pick your poison,
Married or single.
One you die alone,
The other you die mingled.

Love takes your true dreams,
And gives you new ones to pursue.
The purpose of this phenomena,
Is one no one can quite construe.

Your doomed to love,
And doomed to die.
Will you choose one or both,
Before ascension to the sky?

Might as well love,
Might not get the chance again.
Even if the Holy Ones say,
That Love can lead to sin.

--------

First stanza says love slakes our hearts. Slake can mean to become extinct or to satiate. Thus love can give our hearts the comfort needed to live, or can destroy them. This is why it is so fake in that it has no one "true" form.

Second stanza says fools fall in love. In actuality it means that a person becomes a fool after they fall in love, not necessarily before. A person has a choice of loving someone or being lonely throughout their life. Love often stems from the fear of being alone, which would be a worse alternative.

Third stanza says being married and single are both poisons. A person has to pick which one they want to go through. Marriage has its own challenges, as does being alone with only yourself. With one you'll die alone, but free, and with the other you'll die "with" someone, but bound or committed (I realize people will have big objections to this).

The fourth stanza says that Love takes peoples dreams in life and gives them new ones. Often times dreams are transformed after falling in love in order to accommodate the loved one in someone's life. How and why Love manages to do this to people, no one is quite sure, since that requires concrete knowledge of Love itself. Such objective material is not available.

The fifth stanza says that your doomed to fall in love and doomed to die. Everyone should feel at some point as if they are in love, whether its real or not. Everyone is also doomed to die. These two universal truths will occur to each person no matter what. The question raised is whether you will choose to let your Love for another person rule over your ultimate Death, or whether you will allow your Death to overshadow the Love you obtained in life.

The sixth stanza says that you might as well love someone since you might die and never get the chance again if the after-life doesn't exist. The last two lines aren't meant to suggest that a person fall in love with as many people as possible. It's meant to suggest the correlation of Lust and Love. Some people say Lust is the ultimate form of Love, and Lust is portrayed as one of the"deadly sins". Everyone has their own opinion on what exactly Love and Lust are, but they both share some of the same fundamental connotations, which begs the question, "Does it matter if one loves in love, loves in lust, lusts in love, or lusts in lust?"

Paranoia!

Why did that person laugh,
What did I do that's wrong?
The eyes of people watch only me,
And attack confidence that was never strong.

Why did you just look at me,
Is there something on my face?
Why did you just grimace,
Are my looks in that bad of taste?

I know that your not smirking,
At something other than me.
Eyes down, walking faster,
Please just let me be.

In the elevator I feel,
Your gaze burning me straight through.
Each floor it intensifies,
I'm panicking, what else's new?

I have to act my best,
My imperfection others cannot see.
When will I learn to be perfect,
Is to have others laugh with me?

Oh, So Wrong...

They point and laugh,
And say "you don't have a life".
Little do they know,
I have a life that's filled with strife.

Strife from people like you,
Who criticize who I am.
If I'm happy who should care,
And why do you give a damn.

I'll spend my time smiling,
Knowing I'm the best me I can be.
"That loser needs to get a life?",
Oh when will you ever see...

The only loser is you,
Because you don't know who you are.
Soon you'll learn putting others down,
Won't in a million years get you far.

But hey, that's cool,
To each his own, am I right?
I'll glide through my happy life,
While you'll constantly put up a fight.

Dreams

What more are dreams in the world other than people's underlying explanation of existence behind survival? Did cavemen have "dreams" and "aspirations" of things that they wished to become? Probably not, they just cared about surviving and did anything they could to accomplish that task. People today have dreams and things they want to do, though. They make goals for themselves and set out to accomplish those goals, but for what purpose?

Often these goals that people make are a way for them to survive. In this day and age the concept of survival is severely skewed. Survival in America doesn't mean not starving or dying of disease in many cases. In some cases it means becoming social accepted by peers and landing a successful job to support a loving family. Survival is defined differently depending on what the dreams of the people are. If your able to have ambitious dreams, then your rate of survival is most likely higher. The more your life is put in danger, the more you focus on prolonging the length of your existence. If you are not threatened by death you casually live life with hopes and dreams.

The Civil Rights Movement was an act of survival. The blacks wanted to change a social situation because it was beginning to harm their survival rate. This is still evident today in ghetto neighborhoods where deaths still occur in high numbers. A dream emerged out of this need to survive. Black humans of America recognized a threat to their existence and thus set out to fight against it, and ultimately won to an extent. Was it also about equality and wanting fair treatment for everyone? Of course, but that equality stemmed from the fact that it was needed for blacks to prosper in America.

You are technically surviving right now, since you're alive. The human race can be seen in a constant state of survival and growth. We develop technology to prolong our existence and defy the previous devastating effects of nature. We no longer have to worry about dying on any given day to do coincidence or chance to a certain degree. Thus we must give our existence in the world meaning by giving ourselves goals and dreams. We form a reality of the world we live in by how we form our vision of the future.

Not every person dreams of better things. It doesn't make a person stronger to dream or not dream. It may affect their rate of survival. Dreams stem from survival instincts that all humans have. Do not forget that humans are animals, and an animal's primal instinct is to survive. Humans will go through their lives trying to survive as long as possible. That is the basis dreams come from, and the way that the lengthening of human life occurs.

We all form dreams and hope within ourselves in order to give meaning to a life that's true nature is most likely to survive. In this act of surviving we find that our lives are not threatened. In a sense this boredom causes us to reach out in an attempt to discover what other hidden meanings there might be for us to be here. In actuality this hidden meaning may not have ever existed. Perhaps humans are digging deeper and deeper in to the mysteries of life, when nothing at all is at the bottom.

Who Are You?

I see you every day,
Never stop to say "hey".
Smile then pass by,
Without ever saying "hi".

Just who are you,
Who I see every day?
Just who you are,
I cannot quite say.

Maybe Jessica or Vickie
Or Pamela or Nicky.
What treasures do you hide,
What secrets might you confide?

Don't use those eyes,
They are worse than telling lies.
I can see through words,
But not love's beautiful chords.

Which star in the sky are you,
Who through the night sky pierces through?
Is that smile just like a star,
Whose real shape is hidden in space afar?

My Daily Walk

Every day I walk down the same path out of my city. I start by exiting the place I might as well call my home. As soon as I exit there's a spot just to the left that I used in the past to idle my time. This is the spot that I have probably spent the most time at, because it is where I spent time with someone I thought I loved dearly. When I walk past that spot, I still feel emotion and still am affected by the time we spent together. Whenever I hear a song that reminds me of that spot, it still touches deep to my heart. Ultimately this spot is where we had the fights, and later made up, and where my greatest heart break and happiness of my life occurred.

Moving on to a little further down the path, there's a spot on the right behind a fountain. This is where I used to spend time with what I thought at the time was the first person I ever loved. After spending a day together we would say good night to each other behind that fountain before we went to sleep. Eventually I discovered that this person was merely using me and I became very unhappy and upset. Still, whenever I walk past that fountain I can't help but remember the countless memories that are forever imbedded within my mind. Memories with this person are the strongest ones that I have.

Further down on the right is a little niche. This is where a lone and mysterious person spends their time when they are not busy helping someone or helping themselves. This niche is the most painful. I never loved this person. I actually met them through that one person who I said goodnight to behind the fountain. My love blinded me to them as a person, and thus we collectively neglected them. It wasn't long before this person chose to ignore my existence. Every day I walk past this location and my heart is torn, as I wish I could say I'm sorry and have them acknowledge me. They may never know the torment that I feel for the actions that I committed.

A simple walk to start my day. Three locations that constantly remind me of my past and the decisions I have to make for the future. Such simple things that people look at and take for granted every day, have changed my life forever.

Fool

You thought you were different. That's a little bit funny. You knew her past, you knew what she had done, but you thought you were different. You thought you could make a difference. You thought you could change the irreparable patterns of her previous fate. Poor fool, you had no idea.

For the first few months you falsely convinced yourself that you had accomplished that impossible feat. You allowed yourself to believe that you single-handedly did what was said could not be done. You learned from your mistake very quickly, however. The darkness that surrounded her soul soon become all too apparent to you, and you knew you were already in way too deep to back out. At this point you had cages built all around that you forged from within your heart which kept you from truly living. You became a slave to her rage and short-sightedness. What a fool.

Fool in love? Of course, why not? Most lovers are fools, beings who convince themselves that what they have is greater than it actually is in order to be able to live their lives with ease. Those who deny it can't accept it, it's as simple as that. But you thought that you were different. You weren't a fool, the love you felt couldn't be fake. You knew it was real, and you knew it was making you a better person. You also knew that eventually this roller coaster that had been heading up for these few short months was going to come down, all at once.

Unresolved love and misguided love are warning signals should you see if you find yourself falling for someone whose had either. Unresolved love leads to mixed feelings and fulfillment which is derived from a source other than yourself. They want the love someone else used to give them, but since that person can't, they want you to give it to them. They want you to give them love as if it was from someone else. The only thing is, you won't realize it until it's too late. Misguided love stems from wanting to be loved no matter the circumstances. Desperation and loneliness lead to falling in love fairly easily. You don't do it because you care about the other person. You just want the loneliness to cease, even if it is under the guise of a fake love. Still, your heart will convince you that it is real, and you won't realize until it is much too late that up to this point every emotion and fiber of your being has been constructed.

If a person leaves someone they love in order to be with you, then they will eventually leave you in order to be with someone else. If you feel as if you've gained love a bit too easily, then you will lose it just as easily. Having love is a hard thing, and if you find it is easy, then there is often some dark and elusive reason which will eventually lead you to starring on the Maury Povich show. Be wary of people who give themselves to you without knowing anything about you. These people are dangerous. They will be whoever you want them to be, and when you are sucked in to their pit with no escape they will then take off their mask.

Soon that love that you had been told was unconquerable will begin to emerge. All the signals told you that it was a bad idea, and a mistake. You didn't care, though, you thought that you could do it, and so you tried. Finally it is now that you realize you don't stand a chance against something like that. You never stood a chance from the beginning, you were just fooling yourself in to thinking that you did. You were possessed by powers far greater than your self-will.

In the aftermath there is wisdom to be gained, but you are unsure as to where you should go next. Lost, like many people, in a sea of forgotten lovers whose shores are so distant, and whose waters are bereft of life rafts. You know that the torch has been passed on to another. You know that somewhere out there that temptress is working her magic on another soul, and you cannot help but pity him.

Such a fool is he.

Dobu Street

There is a small city in Japan which is the comforting home of Dobu Street. Many families live on Dobu Street, but one in particular is not so ordinary. If you could even call them a family, a young boy and his grandmother lived on Dobu Street. The young boy’s parents had died when he was still very young, and the grandmother had since then taken care of him.

It was Christmas time on Dobu Street. All the families were rejoicing with various carols and cheer. The young boy especially liked the light snowfall that fell from the sky. It would lay delicately on the light poles and branches of trees. He would love to sit in the den and gaze out the window for hours staring at the peaceful fall of snow. Each year the young boy dared not ask for any gifts, knowing that the family’s budget was very limited. Still, every year his grandmother bought him something small – usually new karate equipment. The boy bought his grandmother things like flowers and new curtains, but each year she refused to accept the gifts. The boy was never disappointed, because he knew that she rejected his gifts for the sake of the family. Each year he’d ask her what she wanted for Christmas, and she would simply reply “I don’t want nothing, boy”.

Years passed in this fashion, and each Christmas was as enjoyable as the next. Some time later, during the summer, the boy received a letter from the Japanese military. In the year 1945 he was to depart for the city of Hiroshima for military training and positioning. His grandmother opposed it, saying that she and him could move to a different location and hide until the war was over. The boy persuaded her not to, however, and in a very short time he had packed his bags and departed.

The grandmother of the boy lived the following years in worry. Letters from the boy slowly came to an awkward halt. On one day she was in the village and overheard conversation of a tragedy that had taken place far to the south. Rushing back to her home, her worst fears were realized when she noticed on the boy’s military papers that his positioning was the exact same city that the tragedy had occurred in. The old woman was immediately emotionally torn to pieces. The young boy resembled her hope for things to come in life. He was literally her reason to live at this point. She did not know what she would do if something were to happen to him.

In the weeks to come leading up to Christmas, she solemnly decorated the house as usual, knowing that there would be no one else there to enjoy them with her. She even bought the young boy a wooden katana for his karate practicing, even though he would not be there. “He might not ever be here for another Christmas”, she thought. Continuous talks from the townspeople led to discussion of the tragedy in Hiroshima. It was said that not a single soul within the city survived, and that thousands of people were killed. Losing all hope to live, the grandmother began her long walk back to her home.

The snow was falling lightly around her, just as the young boy had liked. The dim yellow light of the light poles cast a magical glow on the street as she made her way past homes where families were full and whole, and whose Christmas cheers could be heard from Dobu Street. She lay down to rest that night, praying for emotional strength to aid her during this rough time.

She woke in the morning, and her heart felt as though it was sore from being exercised so vigorously the day before. She walked quietly in to the living room, where a young boy stood with his back to her, facing the window and gazing at the silent and graceful falling of snow. “I didn’t get you anything this year grandma”, he said. “But somehow I don’t think that will disappoint you”...

A Kiss

Five seconds left,
I wonder could you be the one?
Do you love as I do,
Or is it just a little fun?

Four seconds left,
I close my eyes for the ride.
For the remaining time,
I'll let my heart be my guide.

Three seconds left,
The texture becomes so clear.
As those sweet soft lips,
Approach ever so near.

Two seconds left,
I hope your not already bored.
I say "I love you" with my lips,
But don't utter a single word.

One second left,
So close there's no way I could miss.
Here is where two become one,
With a single loving kiss.

Tears

Is there no greater tragedy,
Than a lonely person crying?
With no one to comfort them,
So they feel as if they're dying?

Lonely tears sting the eyes,
But not because of their salt.
They cause a person to convince themselves,
That their pain is their own fault.

Friends and family are there,
As an emotional nine-one-one.
But lonely people won't always call,
Their friends and family they shamefully shun.

They don't think anyone knows,
Or can relate to their extreme pain.
When miles away or maybe next door,
A person is crying who feels the same.

They're never alone but it's easy to forget,
When their happiness is overcome by fears.
The world dims and becomes so dark,
When all they have is their tears.

Climbing This Mountain

I'm climbing this mountain built out of past despair and regret. My tears stain the surface of cold-hard rock made out of razor sharp emotions which cut me to my core. I continue to climb because somehow I know holding my head up high will make me stronger in the end. As opposed to wallowing and idling on the side of the mountain in the past, I now continue to go upwards, towards whatever my destiny might be.

People like (censored) keep pulling me down. They just keep doing things which hurt me and make me think I have no one else in the world. Of my only few friends (censored) has really hurt me the most. I look forward to spending time with them and having fun with them but then they do something which hurts my feelings. But I don't stop to cry. I keep climbing the mountain.

That's not to say I don't cry. Crying makes the surface of the mountain slippery and hard to manage. I have to be extra careful when I'm crying because I might slip and fall down to a part of the mountain I've already climbed, and that wouldn't be making progress. I view this process as climbing a mountain because it can be seen as a struggle. I keep pushing myself, though, wondering if I'll reach the top or break down first.

This awful feeling in the pit of my chest - somewhere where my heart probably resides - feels absolutely dreadful. It feels like it has been betrayed and stabbed in the back. I suppose that's partially my fault for becoming so attached to people and allowing them to do so. Still, the sentimental feelings I innately possess towards all people close to me remains. I don't think I can ever let that go, and thus I feel I will always be vulnerable to attack. Since I have no harness to stop me from falling off the mountain, I must become good at catching myself before I lose my grip.

I keep moving upwards. Day after day. My arms are burning and my legs feel like they are on fire. But I can't stop climbing. I can't rest or I won't be making progress. I can't stop walking. I must keep looking straight forward, with my head level. I must envision whatever it is at the top of that mountain, and attempt to reach it to the best of my ability.

I'm tired of the fight. I'm tired of the struggle. If I don't keep climbing I'm just going to idle on this mountain, which will slowly drain my energy. If I let go I will never be able to get back up this far again. If I keep going I might just reach the end. Continuing this journey however is the most painful. Perhaps living is the most painful thing a person ever does, as well as the most enjoyable. Life itself can be seen as the best and worst thing - since it is one. Left on my own I'm confident I could reach the top. Some part of me doesn't want to be alone at the top, though. So I let others like (censored) join me, but who in the end were only trying to step on my head and get just a little further ahead of me.

I'm never going to fall down, though. Even moments before my death my hand will be gripping to whatever part of that mountain I've managed to reach. I may not make it to the top of this mountain. I may not even make it half way. But I'll be damned if I'm going to stop, or give up. It may make me as emotionally hard as the rock that I'm climbing, and it very well may cause me more despair than I currently possess, but either way I'm not going to stop.

I'm going to see the top of this mountain.

Even if it kills me.

Back-Up Plan

Where are we going?
And what's with this handbasket?
Maybe we're.... oh shit.

---

The Christians might be right so don't **** it up.

Where Are You?

Enough of this already,
Where the heck are you?!
I've been waiting like forever,
I wonder if you have, too.

I keep running in this hedge maze,
But each turn gets me no where.
I run faster and faster,
Oh it's just not fair, just not fair.

I even run at night,
When I can't even see.
Blinded by ambition,
Hopeless romantic, yep that's me.

Can't tell you how many times,
I thought it'd just be one more turn.
Onward I trek aimlessly,
I wonder if I'll ever learn.

I decided I'll just lay here,
And doze underneath a tree.
Why, you were running so fast,
You nearly fell on top of me.

Butterflies (They're Back)

**It's the 100th post! Decided to re-do the very first poem I've written for this blog. The original is still one of my favorites and better than alot of the recent ones I've written (in my opinion, anyway).

I see you in my dreams,
But my dreams are just a lie.
I was gonna call you today,
But was stopped by a butterfly.

D'you wanna know a secret?
Don't tell - but I'm really shy!
I'm not real good at talkin',
(Its 'cause of the butterfly).

It allows me to love,
Though I'm not sure why.
'Cause each time I get closer,
I'm stopped by that butterfly!

I'm not gonna give up though,
I know I'll do it if I try!
Even if I gotta strangle,
That gorgeous butterfly.

I want you to know,
That if I'm ever to die,
That you can blame it!
On that damned butterfly...

I'm Sorry I'm Your Friend

I'm sorry I'm your friend,
I know you'd change it if you could.
I tried to be a good friend to you,
But the truth is that I'm just not good.

I either call you too many times,
Or not enough so you become upset.
I would die to take away your pain,
But don't know what to say when you fret.

I would sell my soul and be cast to Hell,
Just to put a smile on your face.
I would love you forever if you wanted me too,
Even though you're not really my taste.

The truth is I care so deeply,
And have no real way for it to show.
I'm sorry that I'm your friend,
But you will never ever know.

So please don't go,
Even though I'm pushing you away.
Because you'll never know,
That I want you here to stay.

F.E.A.R.

Why do people fear things in life? It is a completely unnecessary task that only results in the belittling of potential. I suppose certain things are embedded in to people from their childhood. Others might be a bit more universal (fear of rejection). Really, though, what is the point of fearing something? If we are supposedly smart and intelligent beings then why do we fear things when not fearing them is a more productive alternative? Fear stems usually from one of two branches. On one, we have things that we don't know about, and thus fear them. On the second hand, we have things which have proven themselves worthy of fearing. But think about some common fears for a moment. A lot of people have a fear of spiders. Why do they fear such small creatures? The majority of house spiders are not venomous or aggressive towards humans, yet some people fear them upon sight.

We've all seen those crazy talk shows where people are afraid of mustard or cockatiels, and while there are extreme cases like this (in which case genetics might be a more proper explanation) what about more broad cases that seem to apply to everyone? Fear of death is pretty universal, as is the fear of rejection or fear of not being accepted. Each of these has their own characteristics of course, which makes talking about them as a whole rather difficult. Fear of death stems from fear of not knowing something, or fear of losing something. Fear of rejection and not being accepted stems also from not knowing how something will turn out.

So why do humans hesitate and fear things? Why not simply carry out the task that is feared to see if it is truly worth fearing? What mental block has been put upon us that makes us unable to act? The origin of fearing within an individual can be explained in a countless amount of ways. I'd guess that one of the most predominant explanations is that fear stems simply from a force which is unknown, or contains aspects of uncertainty, or has proven itself a fearful aspect. For those crazy people (I use that term loosely) who fear mustard and cockatiels, they overcome their fears by - not surprisingly - being introduced to mustard and cockatiels. So how does a normal person go about confronting and overcoming their fears? Probably by engrossing themselves in whatever it is they fear until it becomes normal.

There's too many exceptions to say that any of this is true. For instance a rape victim might fear sex, and having as much sex as possibly to overcome this fear obviously wouldn't be a good idea. There's other examples also but I won't bore you with any. I'm just curious as to why a person can see what their fears are, see how to overcome them, see why they should overcome them, and know why they should overcome them, and still not act. Is it lack of motivation? Lack of self will or determination? Is there no one answer, but rather a set of templates which vary from person to person? I honestly just don't know. Emotion is what separates humans from much of the other species in the animal kingdom. It can be why we are in many ways superior, and in many other ways inferior.

Megalith-Agnus Dei

**Megalith-Agnus Dei is the most powerful musical piece I have ever heard in my life. It comes from the soundtrack of a game called "Ace Combat 4". I always play it when I need help trying to write something, as it manages to help me each time.

Power, percussion, precision,
All the elements of success.
Helps to break the chains,
And free my imagination under diress.

I can see the white feathers floating,
Gently with the wind.
I hear the jet boosters roaring,
And the bogies I must fend.

"There's one at your six",
"Mobius One, Fox Two".
"Mobius One, Target Locked",
"Target Destroyed, Mission Through".

Nine planes behind me,
But I'm the one in the lead.
I am the captain of this squad,
And my orders they do heed.

Opera vocals, strong with fervor,
Accentuate the flight in the sky.
A meshing of sounds so great,
It produces my musical high.

Elevating me to a higher plane,
An existence where I am immortal.
I can see unseen things all around,
Through this mystical music portal.

Falling In Love

Why do people love?
To cure loneliness, or survive?
To make life a little easier,
And give their hearts reasons to contrive?

I know why people really love,
It's because they are compelled.
They cannot live with themselves,
With the fear of loneliness never quelled.

Some people are lucky,
And meet their love at first sight.
Others must scratch and claw,
To forsake those lonely nights.

It hits some people in the face,
And eludes others with teases.
It occurs to some in one fell swoop,
And to others in little pieces.

They can't choose when it happens,
The time, person, or place.
It's best to simply let it come,
And stop treating it as a race.

I hope that they stop,
Trying to fall in a love that they think is true.
Because a person never falls in love,
It falls in love with you.

War

Standing on opposite sides,
Of a field laid to waste.
Death tingles in the air,
And brings with it bitter taste.

These men were told to fight,
'For a greater good' they say.
But no greater good comes at the cost,
Of thousands of lives which with to pay.

It is where a brother kills a brother,
And you never know whose Death is next.
What horrid irony this War can conceive,
In a modern-day Oedipus Complex.

The soldiers don't know whose died,
Whether they were guilty or innocent.
They just execute orders as well as people,
For there will be time later to repent.

It is much easier in these times,
When you can just drop a bomb from the sky.
You don't have to see the blood-stained faces,
Or here the newly-made orphans cries.

Machine guns can mow people down,
Just as easily as if they were grass.
One after another after another,
Just to lower the price of our gas.

The men simply serve their country,
They've done nothing wrong or bad.
Except of course killing innocent people,
And making thousands of others forever sad.

To destroy evil in the world,
Requires not killing of men.
But rather an acceptance of others,
and acceptance of their sins.

How many more millions will die,
Simply to prove that we are right?
How many more lives will be destroyed,
Through this thoughtless and savage fight?

You probably won't read this, but I wrote it anyway.

Some days I just really don't know anything. Unlike my brain not moving fast enough to understand, though, it moves too fast and nothing has time to be analyzed. Thoughts don't occur in distinct periods one after the other, but rather in a continuous stream. It's like having my brain run a marathon the entire day. Everything takes on some grandiose sentimental meaning, and I feel attached to everything in my surroundings. Decisions become clouded due to this state of being, and everything is just hazy. Existence becomes a mystery, and my emotions become trivial.

I didn't write at all today. I don't know if I could have if I tried. What I'm writing right now can be seen as free writing, the lowest intellectual form of writing. I'm doing it because it is the only capacity my brain is capable of writing in at the moment. The world suddenly seems so big. My past suddenly appears and is biting at the heels of my present and future. I think it just took a bite out of the present. I honestly just don't know anything anymore. I hate when I ask myself questions because I'm tired of giving the answers. I want to answer someone else's questions. I want to fix someone else's problems, not my own. I'm tired of having only myself to rely on. Not because it isn't enough, but because I'm bored with myself.

I deal in absolutes for the most part. I don't half-ass an intellectual attempt to acquire knowledge. If you ask me what something is, I will tell you what I perceive it to be. I hate when my mind is like this because then I can't do anything. I'm reduced to the lowest form of living, which is simply existence. I didn't live today, I existed. I'd like to be one of those people who just makes decisions with no regrets or looking back. But I'm too enamored with what could have been. My curiosity is piqued by the consequences of peoples actions. Consequences are not limited to the present and future, but rather the past as well. That's the aspect of making decisions that interests me the most.

My normal philosophy each day is to live it like you were to die at any moment. With days like today though, I find myself wondering whether or not it is worth the struggle if I'm going to die anyway. Why fight to be happy, if in the end your fate is the same? I guess the same reason why ants build ant hills even though the rain and young kids will destroy them - to survive.

• Ultimately my will to live is determined by an outside factor that provides me the opportunity to prove the worth of my existence.

That can be said for every person. When they lose the chance or will to continue to explore something they give up. For the majority of people this outside factor is love or supporting offspring. For others it is supporting themselves. I don't support myself and I'm not in love or supporting children.

• I'm better off than the majority of people on the planet, yet perhaps not happier because of it.

I've been fooling myself for about a month now. I've been trying to fake that I've gotten better than what I was a few months ago, but ultimately the end result is the same. I still write crap like this which no one understands - not even me. In some ways I've come around full circle - lost just like I was in the beginning. It is shameful to admit how one simple person can change my way of life with even just a few days worth of contact.

• My reality exists primarily within my self, so when others come and reshape it, the overall shape and scope is vastly changed.

Maybe I'll learn how to coordinate both to exist in harmony. Maybe I won't. In a hundred years it wouldn't have mattered either way. Sometimes I really hate the way my life has turned out. That's because I'm here complaining about it when I shouldn't be. That's the thing I hate the most of all.