in may i'll be spending around 2 full days on airplanes, going from atlanta to LA and then LA to australia, and then 6 days later from australia to LA, to atlanta.
with all the recent security issues regarding airplanes, you'd think i'd be scared that a wire in one of the tires is going to get stuck and the plane will crash on landing.
or that the fact that i'll be flying over the pacific ocean, with virtually no safe locations of emergency landings.
but no - i'm scared of something else.
farts.
the average human farts 14 times in a day. (it's a fact, look it up).
the standard passenger boeing 747 can carry about 400 people (it's actually more, i'm being fart-generous here).
that's over 11 thousand farts on my combined air travel time. and there's no way that stuff is going to escape, either. you can't exactly crack a window. with stewardesses walking back and forth and people constantly falling asleep (which increases flatulence when you try to hold it in) i'm starting to wonder why they don't give you complimentary nose plugs to go along with the floppy pillow and blanket that was purposely created three sizes too small.
maybe i'll find another use for the emergency oxygen mask.
seriously though, folks, airlines have no business serving meat and soft drinks. and telling people to chew gum for their ears will actually make them swallow more air, which leads to more farting (again, they're facts).
nervous people with fast moving bowels also tend to fart more. and honestly, who wouldn't be nervous flying in an airplane thousands of miles away from any scrap of land that could remotely be considered an air strip?
i wonder if halfway there they make sure nothing is messed up, so if they have to they could at least stop by in Hawaii.
hopefully they'd serve beans there... (which make you fart, but contrary to popular belief aren't actually that smelly).
my fart-facts are quickly depleting (did you know fart noises are NOT creating by flapping of the butt cheeks?), so i'll end this soon.
right after i get this fart out.
1 comment:
i was on a plane one time filled with a bunch of college students. one let out a large fart --- i waited for the worst. fortunately, the exhaust system in the plane swiftly carried away the foul odor! have a safe trip.
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