Like a routine I live my life in a fashion where everything is expected. Locked away, far out of the influences of others, I convince myself that I am living this life for myself. Yet I know that the deepest wishes that I possess will never be fulfilled unless I change my life. Yet letting go of this past is perhaps the hardest thing that I will ever have to do. Yet if I don't, I see no end in sight. I see no end to it consuming me daily, until in the end I am left with an empty shell - lifeless and void.
I'm trying to make the choice but I don't know if I have the courage to go through with it. Just once I'd like someone other than my sister, mother, aunt, or any other family member to give me support. I appreciate their's, but just like the addiction that consumes me, every sensation loses its impact after repeated use. Honestly I can't say I want help from them anymore. That may sound harsh, but I don't know any other way to put it. I don't want help from people they think can help me, either. I'm stuck in a rather bad routine of living, and I don't see how I'm going to break out of it. There must be something I can give myself towards 100% that won't consume me the way that this has.
Somewhere along this long road I've forgotten what it means to live. It has been an emotional struggle and I'm tired of fighting this losing battle. I've lost many things, including my sanity at times, as well as my heart. I've been lost in the dark pits of obsession, as well as greed. I've been overjoyed one day, only to be shot down the next by the slightest little occurence. I've cried for people that have probably forgotten me. I possess memories that fail to die, and end up consuming what little humanity I have left. I simply cannot shed that which has created me in to what I am today.
3 comments:
* These are song lyrics- I couldn't find the words of my own, and thought these words could express what I was wanting to say...
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from all of my mistakes
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I’ve been trying hard to meet you 'cause I don’t know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I’m so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me
So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Or do something that's never been done
So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk
* another song that 'spoke' to me before and wanted to share b/c it seems to fit this poem...
in case it helps... i think you're in a vortex of negative energy. you need to change your routine and fine new stimulation to raise you out of it and into something more positive. too much time alone is not good. call me if you want to go to lunch. we can go downtown and soak up some of the positive energy the city offers. maybe to the new Atlantic Station. we don't have to talk. just share in the experience.
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