http://just-another-angel.blogspot.com/
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Prologue: 5/29/2006
Chapter 1: 5/29/2006
Chapter 2: 5/30/2006
Chapter 3: 5/31/2006
Chapter 4: 6/1/2006
Chapter 5 (P1): 6/2/2006
Chapter 5 (P2): 6/2/2006
Chapter 5 (P3): 6/3/2006
Final Chapter: 6/3/2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
What form of monster have I become?
Like a routine I live my life in a fashion where everything is expected. Locked away, far out of the influences of others, I convince myself that I am living this life for myself. Yet I know that the deepest wishes that I possess will never be fulfilled unless I change my life. Yet letting go of this past is perhaps the hardest thing that I will ever have to do. Yet if I don't, I see no end in sight. I see no end to it consuming me daily, until in the end I am left with an empty shell - lifeless and void.
I'm trying to make the choice but I don't know if I have the courage to go through with it. Just once I'd like someone other than my sister, mother, aunt, or any other family member to give me support. I appreciate their's, but just like the addiction that consumes me, every sensation loses its impact after repeated use. Honestly I can't say I want help from them anymore. That may sound harsh, but I don't know any other way to put it. I don't want help from people they think can help me, either. I'm stuck in a rather bad routine of living, and I don't see how I'm going to break out of it. There must be something I can give myself towards 100% that won't consume me the way that this has.
Somewhere along this long road I've forgotten what it means to live. It has been an emotional struggle and I'm tired of fighting this losing battle. I've lost many things, including my sanity at times, as well as my heart. I've been lost in the dark pits of obsession, as well as greed. I've been overjoyed one day, only to be shot down the next by the slightest little occurence. I've cried for people that have probably forgotten me. I possess memories that fail to die, and end up consuming what little humanity I have left. I simply cannot shed that which has created me in to what I am today.
I'm trying to make the choice but I don't know if I have the courage to go through with it. Just once I'd like someone other than my sister, mother, aunt, or any other family member to give me support. I appreciate their's, but just like the addiction that consumes me, every sensation loses its impact after repeated use. Honestly I can't say I want help from them anymore. That may sound harsh, but I don't know any other way to put it. I don't want help from people they think can help me, either. I'm stuck in a rather bad routine of living, and I don't see how I'm going to break out of it. There must be something I can give myself towards 100% that won't consume me the way that this has.
Somewhere along this long road I've forgotten what it means to live. It has been an emotional struggle and I'm tired of fighting this losing battle. I've lost many things, including my sanity at times, as well as my heart. I've been lost in the dark pits of obsession, as well as greed. I've been overjoyed one day, only to be shot down the next by the slightest little occurence. I've cried for people that have probably forgotten me. I possess memories that fail to die, and end up consuming what little humanity I have left. I simply cannot shed that which has created me in to what I am today.
Friday, May 19, 2006
So He Sat Me Down And Said...
That he didn't possess the will to live. An immediate response to this might be: Why? I didn't jump the gun, however, since I wasn't fully within my rights to do so. After a while though, I began to wonder myself, why a person would lose the will to live. Perhaps some complex combination of an ongoing lifestyle with mental health issues. The fact that I do not know these problems makes it easier for me to try and find a solution.
I'm actually a little distressed at taking on this task. Thousands of people are certified to make psychoanalysis diagnosis on people, and I'm just one person with no training or anything of the sort. But it is at times like this that I hope a small shred of wisdom will come before learned responses to text in a book. I would hope that the faith this person put in me would be based on who I am, and not the evaluations I have undergone to warrant giving out my help.
So I ask myself the question once more: Why would a person lose the will to live? First, I have to ask myself what does it mean to have the will to live? I suppose one way of seeing it could be able to look forward to something in the future. Having hope that you will make it through any storm that comes your way, and have the sun shine through once more. Being able to pull yourself through any hard situation or dilemma and overcome staggering odds that you cannot begin to comprehend as imaginable. Perhaps these things are what it means to have the will to live. Still, I think that the permanence of the will itself is grounded in the lives of others. This is where I think this dilemma takes place.
All the problems that people have with themselves stem in some way from someone else. There are biological disorders to be sure, but for me it is very hard to blame everything on something biological. Saying that you are depressed simply because it is the way God made you is nonsense in my eyes. I believe that everybody has the ability to overcome any trials that stand in their way. Life is a continuing process of overcoming problematic periods and difficult days. Life is not an entirely enjoyable experience, as I've stated before. People who look too deeply in to trying to find some truth to things often get lost in the world, where they ultimately feel alone.
Loneliness is perhaps the biggest part of losing a will to live. When a person feels as if there is no one in the world to understand, comprehend, or relate to their feelings, they feel alone in the world. The ironic part of this is that there are more of these people than meets the eye. People hide the fact that they feel lonely inside, and so therefore fail to meet other people like themselves. One can blame spiritual loneliness on many things. They can blame it on shyness, on the ignorance of others, or on external factors such as having bad friends as a child. But in the end, the only people who are in control of our lonely status are ourselves.
We continue to live in a life where the biggest person who can change it is ourselves. Often times we lose sight of this fact, and live through others, or for others. We try to do things to meet the expectations of others, and not ourselves. We live in such a way that is to benefit others or improve the opinion others have of us. Living in such a way will lead one to lose the true reason behind living. It isn't about the others in this world. It is about you. The individual - the self - that has control and power to change the environment and perceptions within it.
Stop saying that you can't. Stop telling yourself you won't. Stop living in a life where the best thing you can do is tell yourself you shouldn't.
No matter how brutal or intimidating the storm you will always make it through to the other side, where the sun awaits you to shine.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
45567
She's so vulnerable,
Lieing there in her bed.
Passed out and away,
While dreaming occurs in her head.
Vulnerable to what,
I still don't quite know.
Perhaps by getting closer,
She'll allow it to show.
The world continues on,
While she is passed out.
But she'll never hear your cries for help,
Not even if you shout.
She's luckier than she knows,
She can get whatever she requires.
But there are things in life I'll never get,
No matter how hard I desire.
Lieing there in her bed.
Passed out and away,
While dreaming occurs in her head.
Vulnerable to what,
I still don't quite know.
Perhaps by getting closer,
She'll allow it to show.
The world continues on,
While she is passed out.
But she'll never hear your cries for help,
Not even if you shout.
She's luckier than she knows,
She can get whatever she requires.
But there are things in life I'll never get,
No matter how hard I desire.
Monday, May 08, 2006
To Protect Something
To protect something that you love is perhaps the greatest gift that God gave to humans. We are able to give our only life that has been given to us, in order to prolong the lives of others. We can do this not only because it is the way we have evolved, but because many of us are naturally good creatures. I will use this space to encourage you to find something in life that you will protect with your life. This will be something that means more to you than your life.
If you cannot think of such a thing, that does not mean that you are selfish. It simply means that you have not lived enough yet. I believe that finding such an object in your life is a part of going through life. Everyone should have someone or something that they are willing to lay down everything for. Soldiers do it for their country, parents have done it for their children, and lovers have done it for lovers.
Would you die today for someone that you love? Does there exist an individual that you would give your life for, to know that they could continue living? Perhaps there never will be such a person in your life, or perhaps that person will never know. But to protect that which you love with that which you use as a means to live, is not a power given to the weak. A goal that I want everyone to have, is to find something they wish to protect, and protect it with their lives.
Without anything worth giving your life for, you have nothing to protect. Without anything to protect, you live to exist. If you live to exist, then you have already lost sight of what it means to live. Living is not about breathing air, eating food, and having your heart pump blood. It is about the constant realization of the changing state of the universe, and your efforts to force that change to go in a positive direction. You can do this by protecting things which are dear to you, and protecting them with your life. There are people who read this that I would die for, and they will never know.
It is not selfish to not want to die by protecting something or someone else. It is human nature to want to live. It is upon freeing yourself from this fear however, that you truly begin to live. I am not saying that people will completely free themselves from the fear of dying. This fear innately comes with the hearts and minds that we possess. It is knowing that your death will not come without some sort of purpose or meaning, and that your passing will merely cue the continuance of something much greater. This continuance of life will always exist so long as there are people out there who wish to protect something or someone.
What do you wish to protect?
Love?
Pride?
Honor?
Or perhaps...
A life,
with your own.
If you cannot think of such a thing, that does not mean that you are selfish. It simply means that you have not lived enough yet. I believe that finding such an object in your life is a part of going through life. Everyone should have someone or something that they are willing to lay down everything for. Soldiers do it for their country, parents have done it for their children, and lovers have done it for lovers.
Would you die today for someone that you love? Does there exist an individual that you would give your life for, to know that they could continue living? Perhaps there never will be such a person in your life, or perhaps that person will never know. But to protect that which you love with that which you use as a means to live, is not a power given to the weak. A goal that I want everyone to have, is to find something they wish to protect, and protect it with their lives.
Without anything worth giving your life for, you have nothing to protect. Without anything to protect, you live to exist. If you live to exist, then you have already lost sight of what it means to live. Living is not about breathing air, eating food, and having your heart pump blood. It is about the constant realization of the changing state of the universe, and your efforts to force that change to go in a positive direction. You can do this by protecting things which are dear to you, and protecting them with your life. There are people who read this that I would die for, and they will never know.
It is not selfish to not want to die by protecting something or someone else. It is human nature to want to live. It is upon freeing yourself from this fear however, that you truly begin to live. I am not saying that people will completely free themselves from the fear of dying. This fear innately comes with the hearts and minds that we possess. It is knowing that your death will not come without some sort of purpose or meaning, and that your passing will merely cue the continuance of something much greater. This continuance of life will always exist so long as there are people out there who wish to protect something or someone.
What do you wish to protect?
Love?
Pride?
Honor?
Or perhaps...
A life,
with your own.
Flames
It's funny who ends up teaching you things. Sometimes they aren't even real people, but just creations of a mind that far surpasses yours. Who taught me, and what did they teach me? That is far too big a question to answer in one night.
Instead I'd like to ask a question that maybe you've thought about, or perhaps you've just passed off as common knowledge. Why do people give up? Is it because they've reached a point where trying no longer holds meaning? Is it because they do not care deeply enough for what they are fighting? Is it because to go on any longer would be too painful?
I suppose loneliness goes hand in hand with giving up on things in life. When you no longer have support of friends, you no longer have motivation to continue. Everyone in life relies upon other humans for some sort of purpose. Normally it is to help keep each other sane and feel alive. We use others to validate our existence in the world. Without others, we would be lost souls on this world. So naturally, when others abandon us, or when we abandon others, we give many things up. When we are alone we are scared, timid, and fearful. We are afraid that we will remain that way forever, and so we cower with the fear that nothing will ever change. With that knowledge we force things to change by giving things up, and quitting.
Even deeper than the role of others on giving up is the role of the self. Being able to motivate oneself is a difficult task to accomplish. And don't think that it ever comes without some support from other people, either. Self motivation is always the result of reinforced and applied support through friends. You can never accomplish the greatest feats in life without the use of friends. Your friends can only take you so far, however. They can push you right up to the bar, but it is your job to go the final mile. You ultimately walk the last leg of every race on your own. No one can walk this for you. While supported through friends, you must have the inner strength to accomplish that which your heart desires.
We move on through life often times spending more time asking questions than finding answers. Why is this? Why do we always ask ourselves questions about life, but rarely go out to seek the answers? Why do we give up on finding the answers of life? Why do we stop knowing what it means to live and give up on life, to float through existence as if time held no meaning?
You don't always have to give up, though. No matter what happens, you can continue moving forward. Even if it's on your own. Even if others tell you it's impossible. Even if no one has done it before, and you know that the odds are against you. You have the power to never give up, and continue to live, and not merely exist. You have the power within yourself to always and forever be the kind of person that you love. Life is no mystery. Its true answers lay right within your heart, which you have had to yourself all along. This individual power to always move on, and never give up, both roars and diminishes through time.
The question you have to ask yourself...
Is will you roar,
Or diminish?
Instead I'd like to ask a question that maybe you've thought about, or perhaps you've just passed off as common knowledge. Why do people give up? Is it because they've reached a point where trying no longer holds meaning? Is it because they do not care deeply enough for what they are fighting? Is it because to go on any longer would be too painful?
I suppose loneliness goes hand in hand with giving up on things in life. When you no longer have support of friends, you no longer have motivation to continue. Everyone in life relies upon other humans for some sort of purpose. Normally it is to help keep each other sane and feel alive. We use others to validate our existence in the world. Without others, we would be lost souls on this world. So naturally, when others abandon us, or when we abandon others, we give many things up. When we are alone we are scared, timid, and fearful. We are afraid that we will remain that way forever, and so we cower with the fear that nothing will ever change. With that knowledge we force things to change by giving things up, and quitting.
Even deeper than the role of others on giving up is the role of the self. Being able to motivate oneself is a difficult task to accomplish. And don't think that it ever comes without some support from other people, either. Self motivation is always the result of reinforced and applied support through friends. You can never accomplish the greatest feats in life without the use of friends. Your friends can only take you so far, however. They can push you right up to the bar, but it is your job to go the final mile. You ultimately walk the last leg of every race on your own. No one can walk this for you. While supported through friends, you must have the inner strength to accomplish that which your heart desires.
We move on through life often times spending more time asking questions than finding answers. Why is this? Why do we always ask ourselves questions about life, but rarely go out to seek the answers? Why do we give up on finding the answers of life? Why do we stop knowing what it means to live and give up on life, to float through existence as if time held no meaning?
You don't always have to give up, though. No matter what happens, you can continue moving forward. Even if it's on your own. Even if others tell you it's impossible. Even if no one has done it before, and you know that the odds are against you. You have the power to never give up, and continue to live, and not merely exist. You have the power within yourself to always and forever be the kind of person that you love. Life is no mystery. Its true answers lay right within your heart, which you have had to yourself all along. This individual power to always move on, and never give up, both roars and diminishes through time.
The question you have to ask yourself...
Is will you roar,
Or diminish?
Sunday, May 07, 2006
A Thousand Things To Say
There's a thousand things I'd like to say,
From the hard "I love you" to the easy "Hey".
But I have not the courage to say either one,
So they call me shy, and they watch me run.
The truth is I say these things late at night,
Where there's no one to hear, and no one in sight.
I say them to my self, over and over again.
Don't know how I'll tell you, and also don't know when.
If only I had the courage to call you up somehow,
You might even be waiting, waiting for me now.
But how am I to say, the things I say at night,
When being in your presence, induces a shyful fright.
Some may say if it isn't natural, it wasn't meant to be,
But those others don't understand, or see what I see.
They don't feel the growing fear, of rejection in my heart,
There's a thousand things I'd like to say, but my lips fail to part.
From the hard "I love you" to the easy "Hey".
But I have not the courage to say either one,
So they call me shy, and they watch me run.
The truth is I say these things late at night,
Where there's no one to hear, and no one in sight.
I say them to my self, over and over again.
Don't know how I'll tell you, and also don't know when.
If only I had the courage to call you up somehow,
You might even be waiting, waiting for me now.
But how am I to say, the things I say at night,
When being in your presence, induces a shyful fright.
Some may say if it isn't natural, it wasn't meant to be,
But those others don't understand, or see what I see.
They don't feel the growing fear, of rejection in my heart,
There's a thousand things I'd like to say, but my lips fail to part.
The Truth About Life
What is the truth about life? The truth is that there is no truth. There is never one answer. There is never one explanation that is correct. There is only a set of explanations that a majority of people believe in and follow. How one person lives is different from another person. The reality that this person's life shapes for them is innately different from any other person's reality.
So big deal, people see the world as different. Why make a fuss about it? Because people are constantly asking why we are here, which religion they should follow, how they should live their lives, and what happens after they die. The answer to all of these questions is individual and unique. Not everyone believes the same things, and not everyone ever will. Through history, those who attempt to make everyone believe the same things do so by violence. Conformity, obedience, and forcefulness are never successful means of getting people to change against their will.
So why talk about it? Why waste time out of your life making you read this? I hope that you already know what The Truth is. I hope that you've already figured it out for yourself, and live by it. But many people have not figured it out, and lead empty lives until the day that they die. They live in a world that they will never understand, under a creator that they never understand. Religion is hypocritical and contradictory. It is a means of humans to give a valid purpose to life. I'm sure that you've heard this before. Many people call it horrible logic, some people call it rhetoric. Who is right? Everyone. You can't be wrong in believing something if that's what you're always taught to believe. If you're lead to believe something in life, and find that belief to hold truth, then it is your truth.
Everyone goes through their lives living in a way that they find suitable. And everyone does this task differently. Everyone has their own view and scope of the world. And this scope can be shifted as the person sees fit. Their truth of reality can change simply by how they view to perceive it. It can change daily, as I'm sure has happened in your life from time to time. There are thousands of biological explanations for these occurrences, but deep down there is no one Truthful Answer as to why we do this. As humans we are constantly changing what we believe is the truth. It is so fragile and thin, that people strive to know a deeper truth, when in reality, no such truth exists. They go throughout life meeting dead end after dead end, and end up frustrated. Life wasn't meant to have an end of the maze. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. The light has existed all along within your mind. It is up to you whether or not you choose to see it.
So big deal, people see the world as different. Why make a fuss about it? Because people are constantly asking why we are here, which religion they should follow, how they should live their lives, and what happens after they die. The answer to all of these questions is individual and unique. Not everyone believes the same things, and not everyone ever will. Through history, those who attempt to make everyone believe the same things do so by violence. Conformity, obedience, and forcefulness are never successful means of getting people to change against their will.
So why talk about it? Why waste time out of your life making you read this? I hope that you already know what The Truth is. I hope that you've already figured it out for yourself, and live by it. But many people have not figured it out, and lead empty lives until the day that they die. They live in a world that they will never understand, under a creator that they never understand. Religion is hypocritical and contradictory. It is a means of humans to give a valid purpose to life. I'm sure that you've heard this before. Many people call it horrible logic, some people call it rhetoric. Who is right? Everyone. You can't be wrong in believing something if that's what you're always taught to believe. If you're lead to believe something in life, and find that belief to hold truth, then it is your truth.
Everyone goes through their lives living in a way that they find suitable. And everyone does this task differently. Everyone has their own view and scope of the world. And this scope can be shifted as the person sees fit. Their truth of reality can change simply by how they view to perceive it. It can change daily, as I'm sure has happened in your life from time to time. There are thousands of biological explanations for these occurrences, but deep down there is no one Truthful Answer as to why we do this. As humans we are constantly changing what we believe is the truth. It is so fragile and thin, that people strive to know a deeper truth, when in reality, no such truth exists. They go throughout life meeting dead end after dead end, and end up frustrated. Life wasn't meant to have an end of the maze. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. The light has existed all along within your mind. It is up to you whether or not you choose to see it.
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